Read this letter and tell me, how do you miss the PINK elephant in the middle of the room? Ladies, don’t ignore the signs! My grandmother told me, when somebody tells you about themselves … BELIEVE THEM!
Fifteen years ago, I decided it was time to get married. The guy I was seeing at the time seemed stable, funny, attentive, incredibly kind and was a great friend. But our sex life wasn’t that great, and he told me he was a transvestite.
Despite two college degrees and an MBA, I wasn’t sure what it meant. It meant he liked to dress up as a woman from time to time.
We had a long, long talk about his before I said yes to his proposal. He assured me he was not homosexual and he didn’t want to transition to being a woman full-time. I questioned him long and hard about that one. I told him that was a dealbreaker for me and that I’d much prefer getting hurt now to waking up in 10 years and finding out different, when I’m in my forties and we have three kids.
He told me that being in women’s clothes wasn’t sexual for him. He assured me it was no big deal to him; he could take it or leave it.
About four years later, we had a baby girl, followed two years later by a boy. And our sex life bottomed out completely.
Last year he said he had decided that he was, in fact, a transsexual. I wasn’t angry, at first. I was just resigned. I’d known the marriage was broken beyond repair and at least I knew why. We separated and agreed that I’d have full custody of the kids and he would not tell them about Daddy’s little secret until we both agreed they were ready and could enlist the aid of a child therapist to assist us.
Now I’m angry. I’m not in love with this guy anymore, but I feel like in some ways he wasted 15 years of my life. He lied to me. But maybe he lied to himself, too. Why didn’t I trust my instincts? Why didn’t I honor that little nagging thing inside me that made me grill him for hours? I’m angry at him, and I’m angry at myself.
I can’t bring myself to put myself out there anymore. You might say I have some serious trust issues here. What do I do? How can I get over this, forgive us both and move on? Am I right to be angry? Is the problem really that I didn’t let myself get angry when he told me the truth finally — that it took me a year to give myself permission to get mad?