Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have been dating a wonderful man for over a year now, and he has been anything but extraordinary for me. We are madly in love with each other, and do everything that committed couples do. He told me plenty of times that he loves me, and shows me too, so I know that it’s real. I decided to move in with him about 3 months ago, and have been living with him ever since. I’m getting ready to leave out for the military soon, which he is very supportive of, and works a good paying job, 11 plus years in the making for him.
Well, 8 months into our relationship, I broke up with him and decided to move to Georgia with family, and he didn’t take that so well. I felt bad for leaving him unexpectedly, but felt a relief when I did so. He loves me a lot. While I was down there he sent me flowers, and helped me out when I was sick. He offered to come down to see me and even waited for me to come back home to try and make things work out between us. I was living in Georgia for about 5 months before I decided to return home, and that was when I moved in. He paid for my ticket and took me out to dinner when I arrived.
LIKE HelloBeautiful On Facebook To Keep Up With Your Fave Black Celebs!
He suggested that I move in with him since things wasn’t going so well for me in Georgia. He also told me over the phone, while I was in GA, that I didn’t have to worry about anything as far as paying rent or bills. Everything was gonna be taken care of since he wanted to help me get back on my feet when I arrived home. He is very supportive of me. If I need anything he pays for it and tells me how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and even mentioned marriage. Not only does he look out for me genuinely, but for my sick father as well, because he cares.
Jumping right into it, he is NOT the problem, his baby mother is. He has 2 kids by her, one is biologically his and the other is not. Before he met me, he was with her for 5 years. They were living together in the same house that we are living in now. He broke it off with her because she wasn’t fulfilling his needs or wants in a relationship, so she decided to move out into her own place and left him with all the bills. He told me the only reason why he stayed with her for so long was because of the kids.
In the beginning of our relationship she wasn’t a problem, but soon as she found out about us, she became one. I don’t know if she jealous of me or what, but I’m with him now and that is something she has to swallow. Me and her have got into it twice, but that was because she started to keep his son away from him. She felt as though I “stole” him from her, which is untrue. So, ever since I moved in with him, she has been doing things intentionally. But, I personally think she still has feelings for him, and is using his son as a pawn to stay next to him. When I ask him does he still have feelings for her, he says no, he just cares for the kids.
Recently, me and him has been getting into it because of the things she would do when she comes over to drop the kids off. I know that it’s NOT my house to be the boss, but I feel as though if you are in a relationship with someone, but have kids by somebody else, your ex shouldn’t be able to do whatever she pleases when she comes over, especially if you have a woman living there. He says the reason for him not speaking up to her is that he’s trying to keep the peace between them so he can see his son.
Soon after, I suspected him of cheating. She came over one day to drop off the kids, and spoke to me. She told me that she has a man, and is currently PREGNANT by him, and that she and my man are not messing around, they are just friends and parents to the kids! Now, a part of me wants to believe her, then, another part of me doesn’t. He’s always told me she found her a man and all, but I would always disagree, only reason being, when he told her I had moved in she didn’t take it well.
I have a great relationship with his kids, and he pays his child support for his son faithfully. So, why every time she comes over she ALWAYS have something to say??? And, why does she get all upset when her baby father moves on with his life, and decide to move another woman in his house, if she has a man, and is expecting another child? Shouldn’t she be HAPPY?????? I’M CONFUSED. HELP! – Confused and Bothered
Dear Ms. Confused and Bothered,
Honey, you have issues. Seriously, you need some damn help!
I keep saying this over and over again about dating men with kids, and I hate repeating myself! You know what you’re getting yourself into when you’re dealing with a man with kids by another woman. So, why are you making such an issue out of it! SHE AND THE KIDS WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF HIS LIFE. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT.
I don’t understand why you are having problems with her, and why you are interacting with her. You shouldn’t even be talking with her, or discussing anything with her. This is the problem that you women create when you date men with kids. You get involved and want to show the other woman that you’re in the picture, and how you’re the new chick in the house, and she better get along with you and move on because he’s moved on. All the while, the man is sitting by and letting you two chickenheads go at it, and he doesn’t get involved because, “I’m just trying to keep the peace between us because I want to see my child.” SMDH!
The man never wants to get involved, thus, you women are fighting with each other, and in reality you two are not the problem. HE IS! He needs to set the boundaries and rules in the relationship. He needs to step up and be a man and let his ex know what’s going on, and how things are going to be handled. Hell, he can always go back to court and get certain visitations adjusted, as well as other issues that need to be handled with the child. You should not be involved in the arrangements of their children. You have nothing to do with them, and what’s going on with their children.
Yes, she may be jealous or upset that he has moved on, but so freaking what! Why are you internalizing her issues and letting it get to you? So what she makes snide comments, or does things to try to get under your skin. She can only do it if you allow her to. Honey, it wouldn’t be me. There isn’t any need for her to see me, talk with me, call me, or even know anything about me other than my name. Your man should not be discussing you with her. There is nothing to discuss. Not until you’re married, and even then, that’s all she needs to know is that he’s married, moved on, and that she is going to respect his new wife. And, then, you can have some interaction, but you and your husband set the tone. But, he is not your husband, is he?
And, yet, here he is again playing house with you as he did with her. He was with her for 5 years and didn’t marry her. Why? Because HE TOLD YOU (Again, there are three sides to a story: His side, her side, and the truth) that she wasn’t taking care of his needs or wants in the relationship, thus, she moved out. You don’t know the dynamics of their relationship and what went down because you were not there. You didn’t live with them, and you weren’t with them every day. So, I know you love him, and you’re dating him and living with him, and ultimately you’re going to listen to his side and what he has to say, and be on his side. But, you don’t know her side of the story. You don’t know what he put her through. You don’t know if he promised to marry her, take care of her and the kids, and any other promises that he reneged on, and after 5 years she probably got tired and fed up and moved on. But, you don’t know that, do you???
And, I’m curious as to why you left the relationship 8 months into it and moved all the way to Georgia, if you’re so in love? You even went on to state that you, “felt a relief when I did so.” Answer that, and get back to me.
But, he made promises to you, and lured you back in, and you went back, and now you’re trying to act like the queen in HIS home, the one he once shared with her. You’re playing house in HIS home, like he once did with her. He mentioned marriage, but haven’t brought it back up again. Hmmmm, could this be a pattern?
Look, whatever issues or challenges she has, why are you worrying about them? Why are you allowing what’s going on between them to affect your relationship with him? He’s told you that she’s moved on and has a new man. She even told you that she has moved on with a new man, and that she is pregnant. So, why are you letting her little nit-picking, and nagging get to you? There’s something else…..oh, yeah, it’s because you think they are getting it in. You’re insecure because they once had something, and you see the interaction between them when the kids are around. You really want to be married, but you won’t bring it up, so you’re waiting for him to do it. Yeah, there are some other promises he’s told you that you didn’t share in your letter, and they are sitting in the back of your mind, and you’re waiting on him to fulfill them.
Girl, start living your life, and stop thinking and obsessing over him and her. Get you some business. If it bothers you that much, then tell your man that when she’s bringing over the kids, she can bring them to the door, and your man can receive them, and bring them in. There is no need for her to come in the house. Tell him to not discuss you with her. There is no need for her to know anything about you other than your name. Don’t get involved in the rearing of their children. That is his and her job. Don’t get involved with their arguments or complaints. It’s between them. So, let them work it out. And, if you follow those simple things then your relationship will be all the better. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!
“I Love My Man & Want A Life With Him, But His Baby Momma Won’t Move On!” was originally published on hellobeautiful.com