Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am going to start out saying that I really don’t know what to do.
I am a single mother of two kids. My son will be 18 next month, and my daughter will be 14 on May the 1st. I have been with the same man for six years, and when we got together I was 28 and he was 43. The man came in treating my kids and I like royalty. He gave us whatever we wanted when we wanted it. Not only that, he helps me provide for my mother and my brother, who is now 39 years old, and living with my mom.
Now, this man is a very good mechanic. He works on his own, and makes his own money. And, still right now he does everything that he needs to do as a man, and to keep our house afloat. I guess you are asking if I got it like this with this man, what is my complaint. Well, my complaint is that he uses drugs. Not the green stuff, but the white stuff. That’s our biggest problem. He does good sometimes, and others I just don’t know. I can’t say the drugs are not in the way of things, because even though we are living good and have all the things that I want, I know we can have a whole lot more only if he didn’t have his habit.
So, I sat and prayed, and prayed and asked God to show me the way. Believe me when I say, I know God have my back. Because out of all that the man is really a good man. Sometimes I try not to judge him, because I have the habit of smoking me a joint every now and then. But, that is way different. He doesn’t judge me, so I feel sometimes why am I judging him. It’s very confusing because my friends say as long as he is taking care of home, and his business then why do I stress so much. Because I guess I stress because it’s the drug of his choice. No drug is greater than the other, a drug is a drug. I just need some closure, maybe a piece of mine.
My son is going to be graduating in June and off to college he goes, and we have a very open and close relationship, because before I got with this man, it was only my kids and I. He just kind of snuck up on us. But, I have to give much respect to my son because with him seeing the things that I go through, and the things that he does, my son has never gotten out of line, never disrespected him, or anything. As a matter of a fact he and my daughter love the ground he walks on. My daughter is the reason we are still here. She is a very hopeful young lady. She always say, “Momma maybe we can help daddy,” or, “If we leave him, he won’t have no body.”
I really don’t want that to be the reason I stay, and I won’t lie, I love him, I just want him to be and do better. Can you give me a little insight on what I can do to help the situation. There is one thing I do know, if God don’t change the situation, he will give you the strength to handle the situation. – Loving A Drug Addict
Dear Ms. Loving A Drug Addict,
Well, I hate to sound morbid, but I think you should get your affairs in order, and by that I am referring to purchasing a cemetery plot, and making preparations for his passing. To knowingly remain in a relationship with a drug addict then you know what the outcome will be: Death!
And, I don’t want you falling out, wailing and throwing yourself over his casket and causing a ruckus when he does leave this earth. Folks act up and have fits when they know the person was on drugs and acting reckless with their life, but are shocked when they die. Really? Really!
It’s just like the celebrities who do drugs and we watch from the sideline. We see what it does to their life, and to those who love them. It’s unfortunate that we watch celebrities come to their own demise and watch aimlessly as they use drugs recklessly, and then when they pass everyone says, “Well, we could have done more.” Or, “I hope everyone learns from this lesson of the impact of drugs and what they can do to you.” Yet, no one listens. No one thinks it will happen to them.
However, we all have an uncle Tony, or aunt Frankie, and cousin Harold in our family that is on drugs. No one steps in to help them. We turn a blinds eye. Big Momma is the enabler, along with their spouses and mates. Giving them money so they won’t have to steal. Feeding them and staying up late at night pacing the floor waiting for them to return home. And, no one wants them over to their homes for the family events and functions because something will come up missing. All the women are clutching their purses. Then, when the party gets going, they tell everyone they are running to the store and will be right back, but either they don’t return until hours later or not at all.
In your own admission, you stated, “I can’t say the drugs are not in the way of things, because even though we are living good and have all the things that I want, I know we can have a whole lot more only if he didn’t have his habit.” (* – *) Blank stare at you. Dummy! Yes, you dummy. You claim you are living good, (Who the hell is living good with a drug abuser in the home?) but then you say that you can have a whole lot more if he didn’t have his habit. Ugh! I swear you folks don’t think or use half the brain and common sense God has given you. I tell you stupid is as stupid does.
I am appalled at the behavior you are teaching your children. It’s beyond sad. You have taught them that drugs are ok and all you got to do is love the druggie despite the harm they are causing themselves and their family members. What’s even sadder is that your daughter said to you, “If we leave him, he won’t have nobody.” SMDH! Your daughter is going to grow up and repeat the same behavior as you. She is going to choose a man just like mommy has. And, unfortunately she will be “hopeful” that the man will change his ways one day.
And, your son. Sigh! Is that what you really want to show him how a man should be? Is that really a good representation of a good man? A man who, as you say, “With him seeing the things that I go through, and the things that he does, my son has never gotten out of line, never disrespected him, or anything.” WOW! As I’ve said over and over again, you teach people how to treat you. And, your son is getting a good education on how a man treats a woman. (I’m being sarcastic, darling)
Don’t you know that children learn by our actions? They see what we do and repeat it. You are an enabler and you’re both co-dependent on each other. And, on the real, you’re both drug users. Yeah, sweetie, that’s why you say you can’t judge him because your little pot smoking every now and then is just as bad as his coke use. You even said in your own words, “No drug is greater than the other, a drug is a drug.” So, how can one abuser call out another when they are doing the same thing? Do you people read what you write? You can answer your own damn letters if you pay attention. Chile, I swear the slow gene is taking over the world. I refuse to allow it to fester and grow near or around me. Get back! In the name of Jesus! I command you to get back!
And, let me ask you this, why are you enabling him? Where did you lean that behavior from? What benefit are you getting out of staying in the relationship? Do you feel obligated to him? And, I want to punch each one of your friends in their mouths. Are they in relationships with drug users or abusers? Because that will explain that asinine bull-ish they are telling you. Yeah, they are telling you to stay with him, but they are talking about you behind your back.
I’m curious to know when you met what were you going through. Were you broken? Were you down and out? Were you emotionally and mentally drained? Were you financially strapped?
You keep saying he’s a good man. So, are you trying to convince yourself about his behavior? Are you trying to outweigh his drug use with the good things he does? Please explain. Because I really don’t hope that you think his behavior is that of a good man. Because I’m certain a good man would not purposely hurt those he love, and he certainly wouldn’t be on drugs. A good man would not outwardly teach young people that using drugs is okay, either. But, that is my definition.
Oh, and for the record, if he was 43 years old when you met him six years ago, then by math and reasoning, he’s 49 going on 50, and he’s doing drugs. Uhm, sweetie, I really am going to need for you to get a grip.
And, God helps those who help themselves. If he is not willing to change or seek treatment for his addiction, then there is nothing you can do. An addict has to first admit they are an addict. Then, they have to choose to get help. But, until then, there is nothing you can do. You can offer or make suggestions to him, if he refutes them, then you have to choose to stay and deal with it, which you’re already doing, or walk away and let him deal with his own demons. Oh, yeah, how about you get some help as well. BOOM! BAM! POW! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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