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What about that Twitter message you sent her?

I did not expect that letter to do what it did, I swear. I was in a state of insanity when I wrote that letter. I sat on the bed and I was like, ‘I can’t take this shit anymore’ and lost my mind. I sat and wrote it all out on paper first, and then I tweeted it. The next morning it was on every blog and I was like ‘Ah! Oh my God, what the fuck did I do?!’ It was not intended to be that. And I kind of felt bad.

Bad enough to apologize to Alicia?

No, I didn’t feel like it was anything for me to apologize about. I wished we could have done it a different way. If she would just acknowledge me… I was begging for this person to just talk to me, woman to woman.

Are you close to Swizz’s family?

[Hesitates] We’re cool. When you divorce everybody, you can tell your real friends after a divorce. You can tell who’s really down for you.

How many friends do you think you’ve lost from this?

5% stuck around. The other percentage was a part of the Swizz fan base. It’s like the red sea parting. You get to see who promotes the bullshit and who’s like ‘What [Swizz], you did what?’

Did any industry names reach out to you in support?

People reach out all the time. I don’t really entertain that stuff and I don’t talk to a lot of people because really friends aren’t always as loyal as they claim to be. I don’t have a problem helping females out, because I want women to get something from my story. But I don’t do a lot of talking [and] I don’t do the friend thing. I’ll hang out with girls and laugh and have a drink but as far as sitting down and crying about my problems, that would never happen. When I’m going through real serious shit I go into hiding. I don’t talk to anybody but God. And that first year people were like ‘Mashonda are you okay?’ You’re not answering your phone, you’re not talking’… I just didn’t have anything to say. I would get up at four am and just pray and try to go back to sleep because nobody can really do anything for you. People might love you to death but they can’t do everything for you.

You’ve mentioned in the past that Swizz repeatedly denied having an affair with Alicia. Did he ever fully come out and admit to it?

My husband admitted to having his affair on Mothers Day 2008, six months after I found out. I didn’t sleep for a whole year. I had to take pills to sleep because I’d wake up in the middle of the night crying. I couldn’t even look at my son some days because I didn’t have the strength and I never wanted him to feel my bad energy. It was a battle. They are just now going public, but this has been going on for a very long time. I refused to really break it down for people to understand because there was no way I could go around not making [Swizz and Alicia] look extra crazy and I didn’t want to put that out there for my son. I didn’t want him to see his father as a monster. But the shit is deep.

What was the last thing you remember doing to keep the marriage in tact?

I did everything I could do, but I knew there was no working it out when he admitted his affair to me… he was happy about it. After lying about it for so long and finally admitting it I was like ‘I can’t take it no more!’ In the back of my mind I was like, ‘I have to fight for my family, this is my son’s father. We were supposed to grow old together, we were supposed to raise this baby together, we were supposed to do all these things, I’m fighting for my fucking husband. I don’t care who he’s dating, I don’t care how much money she’s got, I’m fighting for my husband.’ And then I realized… I can’t fight for him… he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m not going to win this one.

How do you fight for a husband?

I fought more for the family than I did for my husband. It wasn’t ‘I love you, don’t leave me.’ It was never that because that’s not even me. It was, ‘Let’s work it out for this baby. You can’t leave. I can’t be a single mom. Let’s go to counseling, we are a family.’

Did you ever get a response?

None… none.

Were these conversations mainly over the phone?

Phone. Person. He lived here for a long time after he left to go be with her. He was back and forth.

Did you guys sleep in the same bed?

No, I put him in a different room. I know my worth. I don’t have to beg anybody to want to be with me. I wouldn’t torture myself with that.

When was the last time you spoke to him?

We talk almost every day. We have a child so we have to.

Sounds a bit obligatory, are you guys trying to rebuild a friendship?

We’re cool. I want to be the best we could be for our son. If my son wants us to hug, we’ll give each other a hug. Whatever makes him happy, you know kids like to see that. And I don’t hate [Swizz], there’s nothing anybody can do to me to really make me hate him. Hate is such a terrible word. It’s strong. I just don’t approve of what he did and how he did it.

Have you been able to speak to Alicia since that dinner?