What do you say when a loved ones’ negative feelings about you are shared?
Within the fiber of every family lies its fair share of issues. Family politics can be very hard to navigate and/or survive depending on how you handle it. For many of us, family is the foundation that we hold on to as we journey through life. The relationships we have with our family become the blueprint for how we interact with others during our travels. Our memories become more significant as we reminisce about fond moments in some instances and painfully recall other experiences in other instances. Unfortunately for some of us, family relationships are so estranged that they are replaced by friends or associations with other groups ( fraternity, sorority, church, gang etc.)As life travels at warp speed we quickly realize how precious friendship is and look at any family ties as icing on the cake. Whether they are family or friends, loved ones are unique and valued as members of our inner circle of trust. It’s for this reason that it can be just as overwhelming when you find out that a relationship that you have is not what you thought. What would you do if it was brought to your attention that a loved one, felt negatively about you?
There are a couple of things to consider when receiving this disturbing information. In most cases when considering the fact that this information is being shared about a loved ones sentiments towards you, your response will be emotional or defensive. It is important to consider the following before going to deep into the abyss of anger and frustration.
• Who’s the messenger?- While we have all heard the saying ” don’t shoot the messenger”, it is important that we consider where the message is coming from. Sometimes the relationships we have are enviable to those that witness it. Jealousy can be at the core of a rumor designed to create a wedge in your relationship with your loved one. Seriously consider your relationship with the person sharing the information. What could be their reason for bringing this to your attention? The credibility of the informer must be assessed to prior to taking the disturbing news seriously.
• What was the message?- Just what kind of negative feelings were shared about you? Sometimes the very message you received can challenge the validity of the information shared. Your loved one may have been misquoted. Often the message is taken out of context and that can cause the same words to have an all new meaning. Just recently in the news we saw how words in the wrong context can cause you to lose a job and get an apology from the President of the United States all in the same breath. Context is important because those that are not as close can easily hear selectively.
• Where is the source?- Go to the source of the comment. The negative feelings shared by your loved one should be addressed with them as soon as possible. Do not let negative feelings build up and handicap your ability to be calm and objective when addressing the matter with your loved one. Arrange for some time to discuss the issue and try not to give into the he-say, she-say force that can cause your loved one to provide a defense rather than an explanation. Seek clarity and not validity of the feelings shared. Whether its a matter of getting their sentiment within the proper context or getting the news from them personally, hearing it from the horses mouth has its value.
• Encourage communication- Assess the feelings shared to see if there can be a common ground. Perhaps you and your loved one can work through the issue. The key factor in that relationship is communication. Encouraging a relationship whereby you can communicate through issues, concerns and negative feelings will create the kind of bond that can withstand the rigors of everyday relationships.
Sophia Avery, MA and Donavan Sterling West are a dynamic Relationship Counseling team! If you’d like further information, discussion or a Relationship Counseling session, please call us at visit our website at www.ChristianTalkTherapy.com AND become a fan of the Avery-West Counseling team! Visit our page on FaceBook at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Philadelphia-PA/Avery-West-Counseling-Team/273651777811
