By Imani Powell, Special to AOL BlackVoices
When African American singles trusted BV Love with their most intimate concerns about the perils of dating, we heard you loud and clear. Whether you’re among the frustrated sisters tired of being blamed for the rift, or with the brothers who feel like they have to rise above a slew of negative stereotypes in order to find love, don’t worry. We wouldn’t just leave you hangin.’
We turned to Aaron Turpeau, Ph.D., a black relationship expert and author of ‘The Harmonious Way: A Success Guide to Selecting A Compatible Mate’ to find out how black singles can understand each other and find meaningful relationships.
“Dating can be rough for everyone, but it even has a more complex flavor when you consider the dynamics of dating in our community,” Turpeau says. So with that in mind, how are black men and women ever supposed to get on the same page? Consider this help from the good doctor:
Understand the Basic Laws of Attraction
Do men just want a big butt and pretty smile? Are women too shine-eyed, looking for brothers with bling? According to Turpeau, both sexes are naturally hardwired to look for these things in a potential mate.
“Most men are attracted primarily to sex, regardless of what they might say when you ask them, so take all other responses, not as lies, but as secondary characteristics of interest,” he says. “Most women are primarily attracted to power in its different manifestations — wealth, physical strength, status, personality, etc.” So if these are our natural basic instincts, what’s the gripe? “The problem is we often confuse the attraction we feel with love and then we couple with people that we are attracted to without considering other characteristics that would be good for us to have in a potential long term partner,” Turpeau says.
Understand Our Culture
A few men and women expressed a preference for cross-cultural love because of better defined gender roles in other cultures. One brother felt that foreign women are more traditional than the sisters, when it comes to domestic duties. While the BV community suggested the brother get himself a mail-order bride, we wanted to find him some real answers. “Women in other cultures are more tolerant of being controlled than in our culture,” Turpeau says. “Because of our history, both our men and women are resistant to being controlled by anyone. And so it should be. The dilemma is that our females are hardwired to be attracted to controlling men, but they have been socially programmed to not being the object of control.”
Strive for Equality
Sorry brothers, but in most cases, building a strong family requires that both partners do domestic work and bring home the bacon. So how does a man define himself in a relationship within these new societal demands? Turpeau advises black men to give up the “head of the household” paradigm and look toward a more equal partnership model.
“Black men have a problem because they try to hold on to the traditional gender role stereotypes that promote the man as the controlling partner in a couple rather than a more egalitarian relationship based on equality, which would be more palatable to a black woman.”
Make Better Choices
If you’re one of the gripers who often finds yourself in dysfunctional relationships, Turpeau says that it’s time to re-adjust your approach. Women, he says, should lose the thuggish and flashy types and give their time to the guy commonly considered a “nerd” or one who is “too nice.”
“Unfortunately, too many times in my practice, I have female clients that only recognize the value of the [good guys] after they have been dogged out pretty bad by the attractive, powerful men. You can be even wiser and recognize ahead of time the value of a good man.”
Raise Your Expectations
If we simply expect better, and live by that rule, we’ll find quality relationships, Turpeau says. He breaks it down with this poignant statement: “If thugs are rewarded with sex, men will become thugs. If good, respectful and loving guys are rewarded with sex, men will become good, respectful and loving.” What is he really saying? Well, while we know that all black men are not thugs, it’s debatable how many of them view sex as a reward. If women’s sexuality is as powerful as the doctor says, then women can demand higher levels of respect and partnership. If men had to step their game up to get dates, then you better believe that they’d get their act straight. Conversely, if men stop rewarding the “gold diggers” with jewels, money and the like, they’d find a woman who liked them for who they are.
Serious healing needs to occur as our women are systematically exploited and our men are devalued. The only way things will change is if we take joint responsibility and work together to heal the black family.
